Our High Tech Kids

chess is my game

Our High Tech Kids

Today I am writ­ing about hand­writ­ing, but it is just one more ingre­di­ent in this high tech world that has neg­a­tive impli­ca­tions for our chil­dren. Handwriting is even­tu­ally going to be a thing of the past. There are so many more high tech ways to com­mu­ni­cate and schools are begin­ning to focus on those alter­nate meth­ods.

As a stu­dent I have found that writ­ing notes helped me to remem­ber impor­tant details much bet­ter than if I had typed them. My own chil­dren found the same strat­egy to be true. Conversely, I can write more cre­atively when I type. I teach writ­ing to young chil­dren to facil­i­tate read­ing. It helps them to sin­gle out let­ter sounds and sight words in iso­la­tion and then apply it to text. Clearly, the act of writin,as well as typ­ing, has an impact and now we know more about why that is.

In a recent New York Times arti­cle it was said that:

Children not only learn to read more quickly when they first learn to write by hand, but they also remain bet­ter able to gen­er­ate ideas and retain infor­ma­tion. In other words, it’s not just what we write that mat­ters — but how.

When we write, a unique neural cir­cuit is auto­mat­i­cally acti­vated,” said Stanislas Dehaene, a psy­chol­o­gist at the Collège de France in Paris. “There is a core recog­ni­tion of the ges­ture in the writ­ten word, a sort of recog­ni­tion by men­tal sim­u­la­tion in your brain.

And it seems that this cir­cuit is con­tribut­ing in unique ways we didn’t real­ize,” he con­tin­ued. “Learning is made eas­ier.”

2012 study led by Karin James, a psy­chol­o­gist at Indiana University, lent sup­port to that view. Children who had not yet learned to read and write were pre­sented with a let­ter or a shape on an index card and asked to repro­duce it in one of three ways: trace the image on a page with a dot­ted out­line, draw it on a blank white sheet, or type it on a com­puter. They were then placed in a brain scan­ner and shown the image again.

The researchers found that the ini­tial dupli­ca­tion process mat­tered a great deal. When chil­dren had drawn a let­ter free­hand, they exhib­ited increased activ­ity in three areas of the brain that are acti­vated in adults when they read and write: the left fusiform gyrus, the infe­rior frontal gyrus and the pos­te­rior pari­etal cor­tex.

By con­trast, chil­dren who typed or traced the let­ter or shape showed no such effect. The acti­va­tion was sig­nif­i­cantly weaker.

Dr. James attrib­utes the dif­fer­ences to the messi­ness inher­ent in free-form hand­writ­ing: Not only must we first plan and exe­cute the action in a way that is not required when we have a trace­able out­line, but we are also likely to pro­duce a result that is highly vari­able.

In a study that fol­lowed chil­dren in grades two through five,Virginia Berninger, a psy­chol­o­gist at the University of Washington, demon­strated that print­ing, cur­sive writ­ing, and typ­ing on a key­board are all asso­ci­ated with dis­tinct and sep­a­rate brain pat­terns — and each results in a dis­tinct end prod­uct. When the chil­dren com­posed text by hand, they not only con­sis­tently pro­duced more words more quickly than they did on a key­board, but expressed more ideas. And brain imag­ing in the old­est sub­jects sug­gested that the con­nec­tion between writ­ing and idea gen­er­a­tion went even fur­ther. When these chil­dren were asked to come up with ideas for a com­po­si­tion, the ones with bet­ter hand­writ­ing exhib­ited greater neural acti­va­tion in areas asso­ci­ated with work­ing mem­ory — and increased over­all acti­va­tion in the read­ing and writ­ing net­works.

We live in an age where mod­ern con­ve­niences are chang­ing at light­ning speed. The way we com­mu­ni­cate, watch TV, use computers……………………….all dras­ti­cally dif­fer­ent than just two years ago. Even the food we eat is less whole­some than in years past. Our brain and other organs are still the same and requires proper stim­u­la­tion and nour­ish­ment. It scares me to think of how we may be hurt­ing our chil­dren as a result of mod­ern tech­nol­ogy.

I urge all par­ents and teach­ers to be fully mind­ful as we pre­pare our chil­dren towards their future.

 

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Beware of Antibacterial Soaps and Gels

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The use of antibac­te­r­ial soaps and gels have long been an issue. They have per­me­ated our soci­ety as the fear of Bird Flu, West Nile and all the other scary threats in the last decade.  As a teacher I see stu­dents opt­ing for the antibac­te­r­ial gels instead of wash­ing their hands. People use the free gels mounted on the walls of gyms and pub­lic places the way we used to stop for a drink of water from the water foun­tain. We stopped using water foun­tains for fear of germs. .Ironically, the thing that was meant to kill germs may be more harm­ful in the end.

Chemicals are not nat­ural. When we look towards chem­i­cals to cure one issue we risk the chance of caus­ing another prob­lem. I urge par­ents to stay as holis­tic and nat­ural as pos­si­ble for the health of their fam­ily.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/health/fda-to-require-proof-that-antibacterial-soaps-are-safe.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=0 

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Nutrition NOW

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Nutrition con­tin­ues to be a hot topic. The recent expose in The New York Times Magazine points out the addic­tive and harm­ful prop­er­ties of con­ve­nience food in a way that demands our atten­tion.
The food we give our chil­dren can pro­vide needed energy, and nutri­tion. This is indeed the core of a child’s phys­i­cal, and to a degree emo­tional, infra­struc­ture. At this point in time, it seems almost indis­putable that con­ve­nience foods con­tribute to obe­sity, ADD/ADHD, Celiac dis­ease and more. To know­ingly con­tinue to reg­u­larly feed our chil­dren processed food is sim­ply crazy. Gogurt is not healthy yogurt.  Fruit rollups are not fruit. Frozen and pack­aged foods that are not care­fully selected could have an immense amount of sodium and sugar. Not only are these prod­ucts harm­ful but are man­u­fac­tured specif­i­cally to lead a per­son to eat more than they ordi­nar­ily would. A child’s metab­o­lism becomes com­pro­mised. Studies show that par­ents are aware of the issues but are unable to change their behav­ior due to time restraints and habits.

I have included links to two arti­cles that are a must read. The New York Times Magazine arti­cle is not an easy read. It is the scari­est piece on nutri­tion I have ever read and demon­strates how the food indus­try preys on our youngest and most eas­ily manip­u­lated to line their pock­ets with no con­cern for the con­se­quences.  

I implore par­ents to focus on their child’s nutri­tion in a way that demon­strates its’ impor­tance and stop fool­ing them­selves as to the dan­gers of poor nutri­tion. I know it will take a lot of work but there is no doubt that it is an essen­tial part of good par­ent­ing.

It is truly the infra­struc­ture of your child’s entire devel­op­ment.

Links:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/02/25/172717996/how-crunch-time-between-school-and-sleep-shapes-kids-health

 

 

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The Vaccine Debate

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I feel com­pelled to write this.

My hus­band and I have great respect for our nat­u­ra­p­ath. His name is David Getoff and he has a very extreme atti­tude about health. He often appears a bit extreme, but most of the time his opin­ions become well accepted.

The first time I met him was 28 years ago when he was on his way to Colorado. He was of the opin­ion that the mer­cury in his fill­ings were dam­ag­ing to his health and there was a den­tist who would remove them. This was a painful and expen­sive process but he was deter­mined to get it done. Of course now we all know to avoid ingest­ing mer­cury.

He is also against chemo ther­apy, mam­mo­grams, soy by-prod­ucts, genet­i­cally man­u­fac­tured food, flour, sugar and vac­cines.

Recently I crossed paths with a mom who refused to give her 4 year old most of the vac­cines that are rou­tinely given. She is con­cerned about the bom­bard­ment of chem­i­cals on a young child’s brain and men­tioned that it has been linked to SIDS.

Since I will be a grandma soon I paid atten­tion and did some research. My con­clu­sion was to talk to my son and daugh­ter-in-law and sug­gest they look into it. My hus­band and I would be happy to bring our grand­child to the doc­tor more fre­quently in order to spread out the shots and there­fore les­son the neg­a­tive impact.

A week later we received sad news. My daughter-in-law’s niece had died from SIDS. She was 4 months old. I looked up the sched­ule for vac­ci­na­tions and saw that the sec­ond round was at 4 months. Last night  I had a chance to talk with my son about my con­cern. He looked at me with dis­be­lief. He told me that the lit­tle girl had been vac­ci­nated the day before she died.

please, please, do your research.

http://www.thinktwice.com/sids.htm

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Plan For Misbehaving

 

Children will mis­be­have and par­ents will give warn­ing, after warn­ing , after warn­ing. If this sounds too famil­iar, you are not alone. Parenting is non­stop but if we put effort into prepar­ing for mis­be­hav­ior and imple­ment the plan con­sis­tently we can relax more and put aside the headache rem­edy.

When we make a plan that includes our children’s input we gain way more than peace of mind. Our chil­dren become more respon­si­ble, respect­ful and resilient.

The fol­low­ing gem from the beloved Jane Nelson illus­trates how mak­ing a plan can gain the coop­er­a­tion of our chil­dren.

1. make a plan

2. imple­ment the plan con­sis­tently

3. ignore atten­tion get­ting behav­ior that devi­ates from the plan

 

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The Jones fam­ily is very excited. They have just fin­ished plan­ning a day at the beach. Seven-year-old Jason and five-year-old Jenny have promised that they won’t fight. Mr. Jones, has warned, “If you do, we’ll turn around and come back.” “We won’t, we won’t,” promise Jason and Jenny again.

The Jones fam­ily haven’t gone two miles when a loud wail is heard from the back seat, “Jason hit me.”

Mrs. Jones says, “What did we tell you kids about fight­ing?”

Jason defends him­self, “Well, she touched me.”

Mr. Jones threat­ens, “You two had bet­ter cut it out, or we are going home.”

The chil­dren cry out it uni­son, “Nooooooo! We’ll be good.”

And they are — for about ten min­utes. Then, another wail is heard, “He took my red crayon.”

Jason replies, “Well she was hog­ging it. It’s my turn.”

Mr. Jones says, “Do you want me to turn around and go home?”

Nooooooo. We’ll be good.”

 

All this mis­be­hav­ing should be no sur­prise. It hap­pens rou­tinely but always met with an “I don’t know what to do with them” response. 

And so the story goes. Throughout the day Jason and Jenny fight, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones make threats. At the end of the day, Mr. and Mrs. Jones are angry and threaten never to take the kids any­where again. Jason and Jenny feel bad that they have made their par­ents so mis­er­able.  They are begin­ning to believe they really are bad kids—and they keep liv­ing up to their rep­u­ta­tion.

Now let’s visit the Smith fam­ily. They have just planned their trip to the zoo dur­ing their weekly fam­ily meet­ing. Part of the plan­ning included a dis­cus­sion about lim­its and solu­tions.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith have told Susan and Sam how mis­er­able they feel when they fight. The kids promise they won’t. Mr. Smith said, “I appre­ci­ate that, and I think we should come up with a plan for what will hap­pen if you for­get.” The kids keep insist­ing they won’t fight. Mr. and Mrs. Smith know their chil­dren have good inten­tions, and they are also very famil­iar with the pat­tern of good inten­tions gone awry. So, they have decided what they will do and they will fol­low through.

Mrs. Smith says, “Well then, is it okay with you if we stop the car if you do for­get? We don’t think it is safe to drive when you are fight­ing, so we’ll just pull over to the side of the road and wait for you to stop. You can let us know when you are ready for us to drive again. How do you feel about that solu­tion?” Both kids agree with inno­cent enthu­si­asm.

Typically, it doesn’t take them long to for­get their promise, and a fight begins. Mrs. Smith quickly and qui­etly pulls off to the side of the road. She and Mr. Smith take out mag­a­zines and start read­ing. Each child starts blam­ing the other while protest­ing his or her own inno­cence. Mr. and Mrs. Jones ignore them and just keep read­ing. It doesn’t take long for Susan to catch on that Mom and Dad must mean what they said. Susan says, “Okay, we are ready to keep dri­ving.” Mr. Smith says, “We’ll wait until we hear it from both of you.” Sam says, “But, she hit me.”

Mom and Dad just keep read­ing.  Susan hits Sam, “Tell them you are ready.” Sam cries, “She hit me again.” Mom and Dad just keep read­ing. Susan real­izes that hit­ting Sam won’t help, so she tries to rea­son with him. “We’ll have to sit here for­ever if you don’t say you are ready.” Susan fol­lows her parent’s lead and starts to color. Sam holds out for about three more min­utes before say­ing, “I’m ready for you to start dri­ving.” Mom says, “Thank you very much. I appre­ci­ate your coop­er­a­tion.”

About 30 min­utes later another fight starts. Mom starts to pull over to the side of the road. Both kids cry out in uni­son, “We’ll stop. We’re ready to keep dri­ving.” There was no more fight­ing for the rest of the day, and the Smiths enjoyed a won­der­ful day at the zoo.

What is the dif­fer­ence between the Jones fam­ily and the Smith fam­ily? Are Jason and Jenny really “bad” kids?” No, the dif­fer­ence is that the Smith fam­ily is help­ing their chil­dren learn coop­er­a­tion and prob­lem solv­ing skills while the Jones fam­ily is help­ing their chil­dren learn manip­u­la­tion skills. Mr. and Mrs. Smith demon­strate that they say what they mean and mean what they say by using kind and fol­low through. Mr. and Mrs. Jones don’t. They used angry threats. This had a tem­po­rary effect, but the kids would soon be fight­ing again.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith stopped using words and instead fol­lowed through with kind and firm action. It took a lit­tle longer for the kids to catch on, but once they did it had a longer last­ing effect. Because they are kids, they just had to test the waters one more time. When their par­ents started to fol­low through again the kids knew they meant what they said. They were left with the feel­ing, not that they were bad kids, but that they were clever enough to fig­ure out a solu­tion to the prob­lem and that coop­er­a­tion was the most effec­tive alter­na­tive.

 

Misbehaving will hap­pen. Plan for it. 

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Go To Sleep

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Bedtime Wars

The life of a par­ent is not often easy, but get­ting your child off to bed may be the most dif­fi­cult rou­tine and at a time when your strength and patience are worn thin. 
When we talk about address­ing a child’s needs, pro­fes­sion­als often quote the beloved psy­chol­o­gist Abraham Maslow’s  hier­ar­chy of needs which sim­ply put, points out that a per­son can not learn and grow to their full poten­tial if  their basic needs are not met. The most fun­da­men­tal needs are: esteem, love, secu­rity, and phys­i­cal needs. This is a widely accepted the­ory and there­fore, as par­ents, we should be quite insis­tent about giv­ing our chil­dren the oppor­tu­nity for a good night’s sleep.

So what do you do if your child refuses to go to sleep, whines and manip­u­lates you for more time, more water, or com­plains about mon­sters as a last ditch effort to keep from going to bed by them­selves?

First,address this issue as if it is the most impor­tant thing you do all day. If you do this well.… and con­sis­tently, it will be smooth sail­ing for years to come. Does that sound worth it? Of course it does! It will take time so plan on mak­ing this sac­ri­fice for a big­ger pay­out.

1. Think about your bed­time rou­tine. Make a chart (I have included a sam­ple one here. Add your own pic­tures) and include tim­ing for steps that your child tend to daw­dle on. 

2. Discuss with your child the plan and show them the chart. The chart is visual and con­crete which helps a child under­stand what to expect. Since chil­dren are crea­tures of habit, once they fall into your new rou­tine they will con­tinue it nat­u­rally.

3. Start bed­time early.

4. Make sure drinks and toi­let­ing are taken care of prior to bed. If going to the bath­room is used as an excuse then limit flu­ids after a cer­tain time. A child should be able to sleep through the night with­out need­ing to uri­nate, unless there is a phys­i­cal or psy­cho­log­i­cal issue. 

5. Follow your rou­tine and take note of the time. Your chil­dren should be aware that you are tim­ing every­thing such as read­ing, cud­dling etc. It is impor­tant to be strict because you want your child to know that manip­u­lat­ing is not an option. Children love to play beat the clock so if you make it fun, they will enjoy the ele­ment of being timed. 

6. Let them know that after they go to bed they should close their eyes and think of some­thing pleas­ant. Music is fine if that helps. Do not engage in con­ver­sa­tion.

7. Reiterate the impor­tance of a good night’s sleep and that to insure this you will be out­side their room mak­ing sure they stay in bed.

8. Keep the noise to an absolute min­i­mum (a sound machine may be help­ful if the noise is too loud and can­not be con­trolled).

9. Turn off all the lights in their room and any other room where light seeps in. A night­light is fine.

10. If they try to get out of bed for any rea­son be clear and firm and redi­rect with­out any emo­tion or con­ver­sa­tion.

11. I like to keep a suc­cess chart so they can feel moti­vated. Rewards in the morn­ing for a suc­cess­ful bed­time can be used and then weaned.

12. Make sure your child is tired and going to sleep at a time when they can eas­ily fall asleep. Children need 9–12 hours of sleep depend­ing on their indi­vid­ual needs. Sugar can influ­ence their sleep cycle so if your child needs less sleep you may want to look at how much sugar they eat each day.

13. If night­mares and mon­sters come into the pic­ture be nur­tur­ing but aware that the more you empathize the more this will be used to manip­u­late sleep. Be clear that there are no mon­sters and that night­mares are just like a scary movie that is not real. Your child will feel more secure if you act non­cha­lant. The more you engage on this sub­ject the longer they will embrace it. Consider read­ing a sto­ry­book on these sub­jects in the day­time. There are many good ones to choose from.

Every house­hold is dif­fer­ent and your child may need a slightly dif­fer­ent strat­egy. The most impor­tant point to know and remem­ber is that if your are firm and con­fi­dent they will com­ply. There is much to gain if you con­vey this mes­sage. There is much to lose if you let your child call the shots and deny their body the sleep it needs. 

Sample Chart:

Going to Sleep Image 

Take a bath 

 Put on paja­mas 

 Eat a snack

 Brush teeth

 Toilet

 Story time: 15 min­utes

 Cuddle time: 5 min­utes

 Close eyes, think of some­thing nice

 

 

 

 

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Family Dinner

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Importance of Family Dinner

What goes on at the din­ner table in homes across the world has been a topic of increas­ing inter­est. Research has even shown a cor­re­la­tion between fam­i­lies that eat din­ner together and accep­tance by Ivy League schools. There is some­thing spe­cial that goes on when peo­ple share a meal. We choose to dine out for many rea­sons other than  food. Sitting across from each other in a relaxed envi­ron­ment allows us to open up and com­mu­ni­cate with qual­ity.

 

Time Constraints and Other Options

Many house­holds must jug­gle the real­i­ties of ath­letic prac­tice, after school or work meet­ing etc. Parents decide how many evenings they can let go of the com­mu­nal expe­ri­ence of a fam­ily meal. In my opin­ion it’s impor­tant to keep fam­ily din­ner time a goal that is met with at least some reg­u­lar­ity. If this is a pri­or­ity for you, but just won’t work in your par­tic­u­lar sched­ule, I sug­gest try­ing a dif­fer­ent sce­nario with sim­i­lar goals.  Perhaps dessert or a weekly fam­ily game night. The impor­tant thing is to build the foun­da­tion of your fam­ily through reg­u­lar oppor­tu­ni­ties for open com­mu­ni­ca­tion dur­ing plea­sur­able and shared expe­ri­ences.

 

Why We Avoid Family Dinner Time

I don’t like broc­coli. Use your nap­kin. Stop bug­ging your sis­ter. Who would want to sit down to a steady bar­rage of those com­ments? That is one of the rea­sons many fam­i­lies avoid sit­ting down to din­ner together. It is so much eas­ier to relax in front of our favorite shows or hide behind our own indi­vid­ual screens. If this res­onates with you then you are not alone. The din­ner table reflects the dynam­ics of your fam­ily struc­ture. If it is unpleas­ant then you prob­a­bly need to explore what the issues are and make some adjust­ments. It will be dif­fi­cult but very worth­while.

 

Our Soundtrack

I know a fam­ily with four chil­dren. Each child is incred­i­bly com­pet­i­tive with each as well as their cousins and friends. They have no prob­lem inquir­ing about how much money the other makes and what they may make in the future. Absent from the con­ver­sa­tion is the sta­tus of their hap­pi­ness and con­cern for the world in which they live. Success is money and money is every­thing. Through fur­ther explo­ration I learned that this was the gen­eral topic at the din­ner table. Which neigh­bor was pro­moted, who made a killing in the stock mar­ket and what expen­sive item was next on this wish list. Money was a con­stant topic and there­fore it became an impor­tant fea­ture in their children’s lives.

 

Barbra Streisand sings a beau­ti­ful song called “Children Will Listen.” Often times the most pow­er­ful mes­sages are the ones the chil­dren learn from lis­ten­ing to their parent’s sound­track. I encour­age all fam­i­lies to mon­i­tor their casual con­ver­sa­tion and decide for them­selves if that is what they want their chil­dren to be influ­enced by, because thy will for sure be lis­ten­ing. We can’t change who we are but becom­ing aware will cer­tainly inform some adjust­ments

 

Food For Thought

So clearly fam­ily din­ner is more about fam­ily time. Quality fam­ily time is the foun­da­tion for your child’s future. Make those min­utes count and com­mu­ni­cate with care. 

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Sibling Rivalry

 

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Brothers and sis­ters fight, argue and tease. Parents tell them to stop, medi­ate, and apply con­se­quences as they see fit. I have learned a lot as a par­ent and teacher. One thing I dis­cov­ered, out of frus­tra­tion, is the sub­ject of a recent arti­cle by Jane Nelson: Put Your Kids In The Same Boat. In this piece Jane beau­ti­fully points out how allow­ing your chil­dren to work things out is the best approach to deal­ing with sib­ling rivalry.

Twenty three years ago my chil­dren were twelve and seven years old. My son was older and was often aggres­sive with his younger sis­ter. I spoke out against this behav­ior and applied appro­pri­ate con­se­quences. The con­flict not only didn’t decrease but inten­si­fied. One day I needed a break from the con­flict and sent them both up to their rooms. I took no sides, just needed them to sep­a­rate and give myself some peace. What fol­lowed gave me that “aha” moment. There they were, at the top of the stairs, as thick as thieves. No longer were they mad at each other, now they were both mad at me. That’s when I real­ized that my involve­ment was the pay­off. Getting the other in trou­ble was the reward. Taking myself out of the equa­tion reduced the con­flict and allowed my chil­dren to form a bet­ter rela­tion­ship.

Parents and teach­ers who look beyond the imme­di­ate con­flict and stay out of the solu­tion have a bet­ter chance of facil­i­tat­ing bet­ter rela­tion­ships in the future. There are many strate­gies that can be employed such as a peace table, ask­ing chil­dren to talk it out using I state­ments etc. Sibling rivalry may always be present. The impor­tant point is to avoid being the judge and teach your chil­dren to be empa­thetic and respon­si­ble. 

 

Put Kids In The Same Boat

Posted: 14 May 2012 04:42 PM PDT

 

 

If you can’t stand to stay out of your children’s fights, and decide to become involved, the most effec­tive way is to put your chil­dren in the same boat. Do not take sides or try to decide who is at fault. Chances are you wouldn’t be right, because you never see every­thing that goes on. Right is always a mat­ter of opin­ion. What seems right to you will surely seem unfair from at least one child’s point of view. If you feel you must get involved to stop fights, don’t become judge, jury, and exe­cu­tioner. Instead, put them in the same boat and treat them the same. Instead of focus­ing on one child as the insti­ga­tor, say some­thing like, “Kids, which one of you would like to put this prob­lem on the agenda,” or, “Kids, do you need to go to yourfeel good places for a while, or can you find a solu­tion now?” or, “Kids, do you want to go to sep­a­rate rooms until you can find a solu­tion, or to the same room.”

Mrs. Hamilton noticed two year old Marilyn hit­ting eight month old Sally. Mrs. Hamilton felt that Sally had not done any­thing to pro­voke Marilyn, but she still put them both in the same boat. First she picked baby Sally up, put her in her crib, and said, “We’ll come get you when you are ready to stop fight­ing.” Then she took Marilyn to her room and said, “Come let me know when you are ready to stop fight­ing, and we’ll go get the baby.”

At first glance this may look ridicu­lous. Why put the baby in her crib for fight­ing when she was just sit­ting there, inno­cently, and doesn’t under­stand Mom’s admo­ni­tion any­way? Many peo­ple guess that the pur­pose of treat­ing them both the same is for the ben­e­fit of the older child to avoid feel­ing always at fault. Treating them the same ben­e­fits both chil­dren. When you take the side of the child you think is the vic­tim, you are train­ing that child to adopt a vic­tim men­tal­ity. When you always bully the child you think started it, you are train­ing that child to adopt a bully men­tal­ity.

We can’t know for sure if Sally pro­voked Marilyn (inno­cently or pur­pose­fully). If she did, rep­ri­mand­ing Marilyn would not only be unfair, but it would teach Sally a good way to get Mother on her side. This is good vic­tim train­ing. If she did not pro­voke Marilyn, rep­ri­mand­ing Marilyn (because she is the old­est) would teach Sally the pos­si­bil­ity of get­ting spe­cial atten­tion by pro­vok­ing Marilyn. Marilyn might then adopt the mis­taken belief that she is most sig­nif­i­cant as the bad child.

Still, peo­ple object that it doesn’t make sense to put a baby, who did noth­ing wrong, in her crib. Okay, okay. I’ll give you another alter­na­tive, but first I want to explain again. The point is not who did what. The point is that you treat both chil­dren the same so one doesn’t learn vic­tim men­tal­ity and the other doesn’t learn bully men­tal­ity. Surely, the baby won’t be trau­ma­tized by being put into her crib for few sec­onds. Another way to put chil­dren in the same boat is to give them both the same choice. “Would you both like to sit on my lap until you are ready to stop fight­ing?” Do or say what­ever is com­fort­able for you—so long as they are treated the same.

I can still hear objec­tions. But, what if the older child really did hit the younger child for no rea­son? Shouldn’t the older child be pun­ished? Shouldn’t the younger child be com­forted?

Since you have read this far, you know that pun­ish­ment is not an alter­na­tive. It is such a ridicu­lous exam­ple to give to chil­dren: “I’ll hurt you to teach you not to hurt oth­ers.”

I sug­gest you com­fort the old­est child first, and then invite her to help you com­fort the youngest. Again this is not reward­ing the old­est child for start­ing it. It is rec­og­niz­ing that, for some rea­son, the old­est child is feel­ing dis­cour­aged. Maybe she is feel­ing dethroned by the youngest. Maybe she believes you love the youngest more. The rea­son isn’t impor­tant right now. (Dealing with the belief behind the behav­ior is.) It is impor­tant to know that she feels dis­cour­aged and needs encour­age­ment.

Encouragement might look like this: “Honey, I can see that you are upset.” (Validating feel­ings is very encour­ag­ing.) “Would a hug help?” (Hugs.) Can you imag­ine her sur­prise to receive love and under­stand­ing instead of pun­ish­ment and dis­tain? After she feels bet­ter you might say, “Would you be will­ing to help your lit­tle sis­ter feel bet­ter? Do you want to give her a hug first, or do you want me to?” Can you see that these ges­tures encour­age lov­ing, peace­ful actions?

Suppose the older child is too upset to give you a hug, or to want to hug the baby. Still, make the ges­ture. Then say, “I can see you aren’t ready yet. I’m going to com­fort your sis­ter. When you are ready, you can come help me.” The baby is not going to suf­fer that much more while you take a few min­utes to com­fort the oldest—and you will avoid vic­tim train­ing that could invite the baby to decide, “The way to be spe­cial around here is to pro­voke my older sis­ter.”

If you are hear­ing these meth­ods with you heart, you will get the idea. Put your­self in the shoes of your chil­dren. What would help you the most and teach you the most? And, don’t for­get to use your sense of humor.

One father would stick his thumb in front of his fight­ing chil­dren and say, “I’m a reporter for CBC. Who would like to be the first to speak into my micro­phone and give me your ver­sion of what is hap­pen­ing here?” Sometimes his chil­dren would just laugh, and some­times they would each take a turn telling their ver­sion. When they told their ver­sions of the fight, the father would turn to an imag­i­nary audi­ence and say, “Well folks. You heard it here first. Tune in tomor­row to see how these bril­liant chil­dren solve this prob­lem.” If the prob­lem wasn’t dif­fused by then, the father would say, “Are you going to put the prob­lem on the fam­ily meet­ing agenda so the whole fam­ily can help with sug­ges­tions, or can I meet you here tomorrow—same time, same station—for a report to our audi­ence.”

When adults refuse to get involved in children’s fights or put the chil­dren in the same boat by treat­ing them the same for fight­ing, the biggest motive for fight­ing is elim­i­nated.

 

 

 
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Is This Normal?

 

 

 

 

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Is This Normal?

We have all seen that wild child; run­ning around, yelling, even aggres­sive. We won­der why these par­ents allow their child to act that way or per­haps, is it some­thing that goes beyond dis­ci­pline? As par­ents we may be ask­ing our­selves about the our child’s behav­ior is nor­mal.  Recently a New York Times Magazine arti­cle asked a sim­i­lar ques­tion; (When Is A Problem Child truly Dangerous, 5/12/12.) Seeking advice from a pedi­a­tri­cian is often frus­trat­ing and teach­ers and friends are usu­ally too polite to tell you what they are think­ing.  Parents may also be unaware or in denial, and there­fore tol­er­ate behav­iors that are unac­cept­able.

Every par­ent ben­e­fits from a tune up now and then. Parent edu­ca­tion work­shops are help­ful and more per­son­al­ized atten­tion even more effec­tive. But many par­ents avoid this sup­port for so many rea­sons. The ques­tion is why and how can we make par­ent edu­ca­tion more cus­tom­ary? Children are a parent’s biggest pri­or­ity and being a mom or dad is the most impor­tant job on earth. Why don’t we rou­tinely seek out pro­fes­sional devel­op­ment sup­port just like in any other career? Whether a child’s beahv­ior is nor­mal or not, bad behav­ior need not be tol­er­ated. 

Last year I met a woman and as we chat­ted the sub­ject of what I do came up. She was instantly inter­ested and said she could prob­a­bly use my ser­vices her­self. Her child was dif­fi­cult but prob­a­bly nor­mal for his age. As time went by, and our paths con­tin­ued to cross, the sub­ject of her three ram­bunc­tious boys resur­faced. At times she looked worn out from the stresses of rais­ing her fam­ily. She began to make more seri­ous over­tures about get­ting my opin­ion and said she would call.

There was an inci­dent in school that even­tu­ally con­vinced her to take me up on my offers to help. We met and she dis­closed her con­cerns. Nothing sounded ter­ri­ble and I was sure I would be able to relieve some stress and help her set lim­its, but first I would need to meet her chil­dren.

Nothing had pre­pared for the out of con­trol behav­ior her five years old dis­played. He yelled in my face, hit, got up on the kitchen table and was hor­ri­bly rude to me. I was sur­prised to see that none of this par­tic­u­larly fazed her. She made some excuses for him and we set a time for me to observe him in other sit­u­a­tions. This truly was not nor­mal.

After work­ing with him alone, as well as in the pres­ence of his nanny, (where even worse behav­ior ensued,) I met with mom and dad to develop a plan. The child had no respect for author­ity, saw no con­se­quences for his bad behav­ior and behaved in an ani­mal­is­tic way to the point where restau­rants and pub­lic trans­porta­tion were unavail­able. These intel­li­gent par­ents were trapped and had got­ten accus­tomed to their fate.

After just two ses­sions with mom and dad they are expe­ri­enc­ing major changes. They now talk with their child about expec­ta­tions and con­se­quences and apply them con­sis­tently. They devel­oped check­lists so each of their boys can be more inde­pen­dent and effi­cient and she doesn’t have to nag them to get things accom­plished. Mom and dad are united in their efforts and their rela­tion­ship has improved as well. They are able to gro­cery shop, walk calmly in the street, and take buses and trains with­out fear of wild impul­sive behav­ior endan­ger­ing their youngest boy. They are thrilled! This adorable lit­tle out of con­trol boy can now fully engage in social and aca­d­e­mic sit­u­a­tions. His charm and intel­li­gence is evi­dent. Caring and empa­thy can now be revealed. This is just the begin­ning and it has already trans­formed their lives.

All par­ents ben­e­fit from sup­port. There are ways of gain­ing coop­er­a­tion, encour­ag­ing com­mu­ni­ca­tion and increas­ing respon­si­ble behav­ior. I encour­age every par­ent to invest some time and money in learn­ing to be a bet­ter par­ent. Your chil­dren will thank you and you will never regret it.

 

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Support For Young Parenting

From Sound Discipline and Jody McVitie who I adore:

Support for your Parenting: It can make a difference

by SoundDiscipline

Contributed by Jody McVittie, MD

When was the last time you had one of those “bad par­ent days?” Maybe it was an awful fight between sib­lings, an extremely dif­fi­cult bed­time rou­tine that ended up with you yelling or hit­ting your chil­dren, or maybe you got so frus­trated for another rea­son that you said some­thing you wish you had never said. You flipped your lid. Then later you felt bad about it. Maybe even awful.

Even though you may have felt very alone – you are part of an enor­mous club. This scene played out in my house and every par­ent I have met has bad moments like these … but they rarely talk about them. The sto­ries remain hid­den in lonely clos­ets of shame. To make things worse, many of us remem­ber promis­ing our­selves that we would never treat our own chil­dren the way we were treated.

You are not alone! Some things to remem­ber:
— There is a dif­fer­ence between I am a mis­take and I made a mis­take.
— What hap­pened is not likely to per­ma­nently scar your child. You can make a repair after you are calm and your child is calm (it could be hours or days later): briefly acknowl­edge your mis­take (with­out excuses), express regret and tell your child your plan to make sure it doesn’t hap­pen again, or, at least, hap­pens less often. Repairs bring fam­i­lies together.

Find sup­port from oth­ers.
— Support helps us remem­ber: we are not alone.
— Support helps us cal­i­brate our stan­dards. Watching TV, read­ing sto­ries about par­ents who do amaz­ing things can make us for­get that we aren’t hear­ing the whole sto­ries. Behind closed doors no fam­ily is per­fect.
— Support helps us have the courage to be imper­fect.

What you can do:
- Find a lis­tener who is good at empa­thy (or be that lis­tener for some­one else).
- Join a par­ent­ing group or take a class. Most par­ent­ing groups include peo­ple like you who are try­ing to be the best par­ent they can be…and have times that they really strug­gle. (Most par­ent­ing edu­ca­tors have plenty of those moments too.) For a list of classes check our web­site.
- Follow us on FacebookTwitter or here on our blog for short tips. — - Ask for help.Sometimes friends and other par­ents don’t feel like enough. Your fam­ily physi­cian, pedi­a­tri­cian or your child’s school coun­selor will have names of other resources. Sound Discipline also has a list of par­ent­ing coaches.
- Take a breath. Be kind to your­self.

Speaking of sup­port: Sound Discipline pro­duces this newsletter/blog to sup­port par­ents in our com­mu­nity. Your sup­port helps us share what we are doing with more par­ents, more teach­ers and more school admin­is­tra­tors. May 2nd, 2012 is the Seattle Foundation’s sec­ond annual GiveBIG com­mu­nity fundrais­ing. Donations made on May 2nd through the Seattle Foundation web­site share match­ing funds from gen­er­ous sup­port­ers of GiveBIG. We’d appre­ci­ate your sup­port on May 2nd. Thank you!

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Join us in grow­ing respect and equity in our com­mu­nity. Your invest­ment in us is an invest­ment in fam­i­lies, schools, young peo­ple and our col­lec­tive future.www.SoundDiscipline.org

Photo credit: *¦·sin­dorella·¦*

 

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